went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
