i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
