just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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