Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
