you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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