He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
