Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
