apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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