She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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