did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
