I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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