Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
