i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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