the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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