Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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