im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
