it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
