He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
