am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
