Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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