if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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