the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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