shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
