ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
