Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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