I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Sext me about skeletons
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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