I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
