i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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