I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
