I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
