are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
