Non-Jews are for practice
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
