what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Oh god it's open bar.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
