There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Sorry my hands just texted you
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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