I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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