thanks...oh and i got my period
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.