i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
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Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.