Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
