I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
