You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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