when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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