you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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