He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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