In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
