dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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