Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
