my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
