Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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