my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
