Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
