I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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