How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
