I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
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