i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
