I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
