it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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