you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
